January 2024 Studio Reflection

A deep rest and learning new ways of being.

I have been letting 2024 slowly unfurl this year. I’m not a resolutions person; while I do enjoy taking stock at the turn of the year, I find that I am motivated less by goals, and more by the way my days feel. In January I had an important doctor’s appointment that took up much of my capacity, and having moved through it (and by working with a therapist), I have realized this month just how much rest is calling out for me.

I’ve always been a champion of rest-I feel as though I am always encouraging the people around me to rest. Yet, if I am honest with myself, I am quite terrible at resting. Not the actual rest part-I really don’t feel guilty anymore when I’m on the couch binge-watching Good Omens instead of tackling the never ending to-do list, but I am terrible at the walking away part of rest. It has taken me a long time to figure out how to set things down, and truthfully, how to prioritize.

I’ve known for a long time that I have some form of neurodivergence. I mean, my entire family has been diagnosed with ADHD. Because I had excellent grades in school, no one would have ever thought to assess me for neurodivergence, which goes to show that a kid who has great grades might be struggling in every other aspect of their life. Part of my voyage into therapy has been learning more about how to structure my life into ways that work with my brain.

I genuinely love being busy. I feel fortunate that I have found ways to have a high level of engagement with things that bring me a sense of purpose. Unfortunately, I am also a person with limited energy, high levels of pain and dissociation, and a propensity towards periodic health collapses. It is frighteningly easy for me to take on too much and not even know it. I’m great at spotting the fire from within the flames, not so much at seeing the smoke before the fire ignites. Something I have actively been experimenting with this month is giving myself a lot of space.