September 2023 Studio Reflection

Burnout, Fatigue, and New Directions

Honestly, I haven’t made much art recently. I’ve been tired, exhausted really. Chronic illness is a ruthless prioritizer, and much of this month was spent trying to figure out how to make it through the month physically, balance a busy work schedule and busy photography schedule, and reduce my responsibilities without shattering too many plates. I didn’t do great with the last one-I’ve been trying for years to learn my limitations and let them lead what I say yes to, but I haven’t quite figured it out yet.

I’m really appreciating the chance to reflect on this month and write about it, because when I first sat down to a blank page I washed the entire month in negativity. It has been a long week, and I think I’ve already mentioned that I’m tired. If I were to judge September on the emotions of the past few days one might think I was ready to throw the towel in on most things in my life. Luckily, as I sit here and encourage my soup-ey fatigued, post-migraine/pre-migraine/whatever neurologic state I find myself in right now to push beyond the intense shroud that is chronic illness/medication fatigue, September was really chock full of lovely events, moments, and people.

I’ll start from the end and work backward. I went through another intractable migraine this month, which has set off a cascade of migraines that have been intense in their neurologic effect. Due to desperation and the recognition that I’m clinging to my job by a thread, I tried another medication for my migraines. Unfortunately, as the medication accumulated in my system, I slowly slipped into a crushing vice of fatigue, dissociation, and depression. Within hours of stopping it, I recognized myself again and, while I’m still tired, I’m no longer in the stage where 12 hours of sleep left me as exhausted as I remember being after ill-advised all-nighters in college.